Out of sight, out of mind...

If you want to get right down to it, science shows us that absence does not, in fact, make the heart grow fonder. It's nothing personal, it's just brain chemistry. That said, when I left on this trip, the chicas in the picture all pretty much expressed(with the exception of one brat) enthusiasm for my voyage... after all, I'm getting to live a dream I've had for years. Who wouldn't be completely pumped for me? Even so, one particular chica whom we'll call "Spanky" didn't seem to consider that my adventure might often combine extreme physical exertion with logistical challenges(mountains blocking cell signals, different time zones, or camping in places with no electricity supply) which might impede my ability to be in constant communication. She's not so much stupid, as exceptionally narrow minded - but not in the selfish or malicious sense - more that her brain just doesn't seem to process the broad spectrum of practical calculations a normal person does. But she is blonde, cute, and a total sex machine, so instead of berating her for being a ditz, I just drown out her doltish behavior with the sweet sound of multiple orgasms. And I quote, "Omg, you're the only guy who's ever given me an internal orgasm... I didn't know I could cum like that!" Merry Christmas, Spanky.

Oh, and she also sends me naked photos(yep, that's her), and makes phone sex fun. What guy doesn't love that?
So, backing up... where does Spanky enter all this, and why am bothering to write about some blonde hussy? Going way back, she ran track at a rival high school, and because my school was - how do I put this tactfully - more elite than hers, Spanky was somewhat of a Hanover track groupie. No, her teammates didn't like her very much. After track senior year, the only time I heard about Spanky was when I'd play the name game with people who went to her school and hear about how after the first week of freshman year, she had earned a mega reputation after performing a pole dance. Supposedly it was naked. Unfortunately, like many college rumors, real life turned out to be less exciting. I actually saw the photos a few months ago and she had a swimsuit on. Nice, but not that thrilling. But until summer of '09, that was the only thing I heard about Spanky.

Then one day in July, I got one of those Facebook messages. You know, you start perusing friends of the opposite sex who you probably have had nothing to do with in at least half a decade... sometimes longer... and then, since it's Facebook, you send one of those messages(probably at around 2am). The message should read, "Hey, I know we haven't talked in ages(or ever), but I was stalking your photos, and you look hot. It's really too bad we never got together and knocked boots. In an ideal world, you'd come over, we'd fuck wildly, and then you'd leave." But they never read like that. It's always the safe, pathetic, "Hi! It's been ages? How are you doing? Give me a shout sometime!" And as you know, geographic impossibility doesn't matter - it's good enough to simply cast that line, because if you do get something favorable back, it's like winning the lottery - and you can't win if you don't play. We all do it, and it's all good... So here is, verbatim, the message I got from Spanky on July 19th:
"Hey there! Just seeing what's new and how your summer is going! Spanky :)"

Classic. I bet you really give a shit what's new. And no, my 8 inch dick does not have a name yet - so if you can think up something good, go ahead. And who the hell ever says they're having a shitty summer? Summer is the bomb! So I write back:
"Spanky... how the heck are you? I'm doing extremely well - quit my wretched job on wall st a month ago, and am in the final stages of planning a cycling trip across the country. Where are you these days? -Ben"

And she responds almost instantaneously:
"Ben! Congrats on following what you want to do, good luck on the road trip! I am teaching at ----------, coaching -------------- and --------------, and enjoying life with fam and friends. When are you making your way back up to good ole -----------?"

'Enjoying life with family and friends'? Who says that? Regardless, you will note the last line, where she essentially offers her orifices for penetration, if I'll only come visit. But fuck that, I'm not going anywhere. If she wants to get porked after admiring my Facebook photos, she can come get it. So I gamely respond:
"Hey! Thanks, I'm pretty excited about it... pretty much living the dream right now! Congrats on the job, etc... although we all know ------------ sucks ;) Maybe you can turn things around for them. As for visiting ----------------... not sure just yet. At the moment, I'm in Pittsburgh, PA visiting my mom and stealing some gear for my trip. What're you doing this weekend? If you don't have plans you should come rock out with me in steel city. My mom's having a cocktail party tonight here too, so while I know it's a trek, it'd be fun :) Anyway, coffee time... let me know if you're coming!"

Hey, why not. I'm all for ass delivered to my doorstep. She replies:
"Hahaha I'd love to come to Pitt but I just got home from FL. Any cheap flights I could catch for the weekend? I have some new dresses I've been dying to wear!"

New dresses, huh? Given the fashion capitol she lives in, I'm sure whatever dresses she has in mind would trigger my gag reflex... but I dig the enthusiasm. And as I don't really give a shit whether my pussy is delivered by JetBlue, Fed-Ex, or stagecoach, I reply:
"Hmmm, no good flights, I don't think... not sure about trains or buses though. Regardless, I say you just jump in the car and get out here! I'll give you directions - it's a long, but very easy drive. And when you get here, I'll have a drink waiting for you! So, when are you leaving?"

Who doesn't want to embark on a solid 8-9 hour drive for a little smashing? You can still self-lubricate even if your eyes are crossed, right? She writes back:
"I have to be back Monday morning because I am teaching summer school for 2 weeks...I so want to go, ur soooo sweet! I will let you know, but regardless, we must hang out soon!"

Translation: 'I would SO let you do anal if you fly me out there... but anyway, let's plan an ideal time for a sex rendezvous." But as I said, I don't really give a crap about her logistical complications - it's Friday night: I'm chilaxing and getting drunk no matter what happens - if I get to add some intercourse to that equation, even better. So I write:

"Definitely! There are tons of buses from NYC, btw - ------------- to NYC, then NYC to Pittsburgh should be pretty easy, and doesn't matter how late you get in, so get down here!!! When you figure it out, give me a call."

Take a 15 hour bus ride... oh, what an asshole I am. But hey, she's the one who went Facebook fishing. She's lucky she got a response.

Anyway, about a week later she books me a ticket to come see her. I'm either better looking than I thought, or her dry spell has reached Saharan proportions. But who cares? I hop on the plane, and for three days do exactly what you do when a girl buys you a ticket to come see her - a week and a half after she sends you a Facebook message after not having any contact with you for NINE years. Yeah.

Anyway, I actually had a good time. She's a sweet girl, but has raging ADD. I have ADD too, but I can keep things in check - she is legit dysfunctional without her meds, which I find amusing. She also gets annoyed with me very easily - I mock her proud claims of a 4.0 average in high school in college by saying, "Honestly, that's great, but that number doesn't mean anything... it's what you KNOW, and what's on your resume." Yeah, that pissed her off. She's also exceptionally literal, so she doesn't get my sarcasm. She'll start getting defensive, and then I say, "Chill, I'm being sarcastic!" She then switches from defensive to annoyed, saying, "You know I don't GET sarcasm... I'm a very literal person." No, Spanky, you are just a Ritalin Robot. But of course I don't say that. Insert orgasm sound.

So anyway, first few weeks of the trip slide by... I'm jamming, having a good time, able to text/call with some regularity, but here's the rub. Being a teacher, Spanky goes to bed early. Like 9:30/10. Every weeknight. This is bad for two reasons - 1, I am often on the bike until 6 or 7 if I'm having a long or leisurely day. So for the first part of the trip, when it was 7pm in Inidiana, it was 8pm in Spanky-land. Almost bedtime. Crossing into Colorado, it got even
worse - now that when it's 7 for me, it's 9 for Spanky. But more importantly, when I'm done riding, I then have to set up my tent, get showered, figure out if I can charge my cell phone, etc. Bottom line - when you camp out, there's shit to do at the end of the day. Sometimes I'd meet cool people, and want to talk instead of hermitizing in my tent. Part of the journey, and these random interactions are a special part of the trip - doesn't take John Muir to figure that out.

What irritated me though was that Spanky never asked about my trip. Not, how are you? See anything cool? Etc... It was always her launching into some talk about the stupid fucking lesson plan for class, and then about the girls on the team she coaches. Always the same. And when she was done yammering, she'd go to sleep. Yeah, nice talking to you, Spanky. I had a great day, thanks for asking.

So, one day, I text and ask her if she's mad after a rather curt reply. She writes, "If you haven't been biking then waiting til I'm asleep makes me feel like ur waiting so u don't have to get a response" I also forgot to mention that she is ragingly insecure...

This is where it gets funny though... So, in Denver, I was visiting this chica who I've been talking to for over a year and a half, but somehow we just never got together. I was pretty pumped, and Spanky was annoying me, so I just stopped returning texts/calls for about 4 days because I was having a blast in Denver. Remember that whole insecurity thing I mentioned? Well, Spanky also has a seriously fucked brand of daddy complex which I won't get into right now, but suffice to say, she goes into 'self-preservation' faster than I can say "seek therapy". So she stops picking up my calls, answers texts with one or two words, etc. I'm not upset, just curious.(has Spanky actually acquired some dignity?!)

To satisfy my curiosity, I finally text, "Are you mad at me? You never pick up, and your texts are rather curt." She responds with, "Not mad, just lost interest." Hahahahahahahahahaha, okay. I'm like, it's cool, we're not a relationship, you can date other people or do whatever you want. She writes back, "Okay, it was just moving too fast then you got weird and I lost interest. Doesn't mean we can't be friends"

I know that one probably took her a while to think up, bc she didn't respond for about an hour(ADD girl can't go 5 minutes without responding to texts). I don't know how things move too fast when I am a couple thousand miles away, and generally incommunicado, but hey, I'm cool with being shut down. I just thought it was hilarious that it's the best she could do. She didn't say, "I know you didn't talk to me while you were in Denver bc you were tapping some other ass, and I just don't like sharing." Or, "It's hard talking to you while you're off on a fabulous adventure you've always dreamed about, so it's better if we don't communicate - that way I'm not reminded of the inadequacies and horrible monotony of my day-to-day life."

So I'm in Utah, and haven't communicated with her since. The sad thing is, I know the second I'm back on the eastern seaboard, she'll come calling - and I will be sure to report on it. Both because it will likely be pathetically predictable, and because you probably want to see more naked photos - which I will unquestionably coerce her into sending.

Be good,
The Ski Patrol